I’m feeling sad today. If I assess, I think I can safely say that hormones explain 3/4 of this, but I am also just feeling alone and a more than a bit lonely. In addition, I’m frustrated with myself for being perpetually surprised by other people’s failings. I tend to move through life thinking it’ll all be fine! I call this state, “Pollyanna”. She thinks we can all get along! She’s an exclamation point inserter. People have integrity! Surely, people value honesty and compassion in the same way I do!
And then I’m smacked in the face with their predictably imperfect humanity. I am reminded that we can never really truly know another person.
I used to be far more vulnerable and easily wounded. But, as I’ve taken trips around the sun, I’ve developed boundaries. I’ve aged. I no longer feel like a doormat. I’ve learned to comfortably say No. So Pollyanna is not entirely naïve when it comes to human discourse. It’s just that her strongly held belief that those we enjoy (or love or admire) are the solid chocolate bunnies she hopes for isn’t real.
I wish I could have a community where we all consciously practiced kindness. Where we were all pragmatic, contemplative, considerate, big-picture-thinkers/actors. Like Sweden, right?! But then I heard an interview with a journalist on NPR and it turns out that Scandinavia isn’t even Utopia any more. Ah, well.
My internal Pollyanna is a bit problematic. Perhaps even fatally optimistic. But I’m not ready to trade her in for a more calloused voice.
I am holding space
in my broken heart for Love.
I hear it’s worth it.
My heart is broken.
Years of pinging tones unheard
to souls unworthy.
Will we ever love
with a fearless abandon?
I can only hope.